Alaskan pipeline

[uh-las-kuh n pahyp-lahyn]

What does Alaskan pipeline mean?

The Alaskan pipeline can refer to the Trans-Alaska Pipeline System (TAPS), which transports crude oil from Prudhoe (yes, that's the real name) Bay in the far north of the state to the port of Valdez in the south.

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It is sometimes also used to describe a fictional (we hope) sex act involving filling a condom with feces, freezing it, and using it as a dildo. 

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Examples of Alaskan pipeline

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Examples of Alaskan pipeline
#MyLifeGoalsInclude Snorkeling the Alaskan Pipeline and roller-blading down the face of Hoover Dam.
@DonKeehotey, August, 2018
Meme Generator
This Mother's Day lunch has consisted of my brothers explaining the definitions of an Alaskan Pipeline and an Alabama Hot Pocket
@katechristiann, May, 2017

Where does Alaskan pipeline come from?

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The Alaskan pipeline was built between in 1974–77 and has been long the subject of—non-poop—controversy. In 1973, Senator Joe Biden voted against the construction pipeline, causing a tie that Vice President Spiro Agnew, whose name is an anagram for grow a penis, had to break. In 2008, Governor and Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah “Drill, Baby, Drill” Palin tried to use this vote against Biden, her Democratic counterpart.

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It seems the Alaskan pipeline was destined to join the likes of Alabama hot pocket and the Cleveland steamer as a sex joke. Evidence for this dildonic poopsicle is found at least by 2004 on Urban Dictionary, that great dumpster fire of made-up sex acts. Do we have to spell it out for you? Alaskan refers to the fact that the poop is frozen, pipeline refers both to where the poop has come from and where the ice-dookie goes.

An Alaskan pipe bomb is when—brace yourselves—the frozen feces thaws, rupturing the condom and filling whatever orifice it is shaming with some stinky, bubbly crude. This nasty spinoff may allude to a 1978 pipe-bombing of the actual Alaskan pipeline, unsolved until 2014 when the perpetrator, Phillip Martin Olson, confessed. He ended up serving no time, unlike Daniel Lewis, who shot the pipeline with a high powered rifle while doing a bit of drunk hunting (as one does) causing a major spill. He was sentenced to 16 years.

Who uses Alaskan pipeline?

The sexual Alaskan pipeline is mainly a source of boy humor. Mark Rosen, a sports anchor at WCCO in Minneapolis, stepped in it when he said in the 2010s “I like the Alaskan pipeline” as a potential hockey team name. You can even buy a t-shirt with his infamous words, and fans will never let Rosen live it down.

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English rockers James released a song called “Alaskan Pipeline” on their 2001 album Pleased to Meet You. Despite probably being the saddest thing you’ll ever hear, it’s not about frozen turds.

Unless you’re actively trying to gross someone out, you should avoid talking about the Alaskan pipeline, although we suppose it could be useful if you need to de-escalate an argument between environmentalists and Big Oil. Expect to hear more Alaskan pipeline jokes, though, as the US Congress approved drilling in parts of  Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Reserve in December 2017.

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