The city. They get to have all the fun. Urban areas have the best restaurants. Transportation is easy. All the interesting people congregate there. Heck, they’ve even got their own dictionary.
Well, we’ve been thinking. Why should everyone know what the kids downtown are saying when the suburbs have a language just as colorful and vibrant? So, in deference to our fair suburbs, we decided to even up the playing field a bit. Here’s our suburban dictionary.
1. term that describes the family automobile, has ample room for children and neighbor’s children and neighbor’s neighbor’s children, generous storage for groceries, and no less than four doors. Sometimes, it is a minivan or station wagon. Also, the cul-de-sac carriage is typically incapable of achieving a speed above 65 miles-per-hour.
“Sure glad my trusty cul-de-sac carriage was out of the shop, or else I wouldn’t have been able to take all eight kids to McDonald’s. Wow, did I just say that? I used to own a convertible.”
genteel jitney, toddler taxi
1. term describing the process by which one feeds himself or herself during a harrowingly long commute either to or from their place of employment (which is located many miles away), usually in a downtown metropolitan area. The freeway feast can refer to either breakfast or dinner depending on the direction of travel, and its contents are usually high in sugar and caffeine, derive from a drive-through window, and are therefore soul-crushing.
“Got an extra hash brown with my freeway feast this morning. Funny though, I think my heart is beating a little faster than usual.”
road ration, expressway eats, Pop-tarts, fast-food
1. nomenclature used to describe a characteristically nosy neighbor who digs into others’ private affairs. The grocery gumshoe can often be found idly pushing a shopping cart in the produce aisle waiting for a chance to spring unusually personal questions on a vague acquaintance who happens to be shopping at the same time. Their children have long-since moved out of the house. The grocery gumshoe is usually lonely and has little tact.
“Honey, the grocery gumshoe had that strange look in her eye while she was asking how the girls are doing. Does she know something we don’t?”
sidewalk sleuth, borough bloodhound, district detective, Susan, gobermouch
1. phrase synonymous with former high-school football stars who have failed to leave town and attend both home and away games every Saturday. They still wear ill-fitting jerseys from their playing days. The hall-of-lamer has usually gained considerable weight and likes to hang out in local taverns regaling others with tales of former gridiron glory. Update: This term is no longer exclusive to men.
“Didn’t the hall-of-lamer play right tackle back in ’99? Man, he hasn’t aged well, and why hasn’t he left town by now?”
1. term typically used to describe a stay-at-home mom who often plans lunch dates or dog-walking engagements with other stay-at-home moms. The luncheonier holds considerable influence over others, and she is usually considered the most influential member of her group. Update: This term is no longer exclusive to women.
“Without our luncheonier, Kim, we’d all be eating separate meals at home instead of this scrumptious Cobb salad. Thanks Kim, you’re the best.”
Queen bee, PTA president
1. get together attended by stay-at-home suburban parents who have children who are school-age. These get-togethers take place after children are sent off to school. The location of mimosa Monday rotates between homes of participating households, and they are usually organized by the luncheonier. They are also typically a chance to revel in a successful Sunday sprint (see below).
“The weekend was a total nightmare, I’m so glad it’s mimosa Monday so I can just relax for a minute without having to clean up somebody else’s mess.”
happy hour, breakfast
1. phrase used by suburban parents to delicately avoid remembering that they have forgone their younger lives and are now, in fact, old. Post-youth suburbanites tend to console themselves with memories of days gone by and occasional jaunts to the new bar across the river to “see what all the fuss is about” before eventually deciding the crowd is a little too immature.
“These post-youth years are the best years of my life. In fact, I don’t even have to go out on Saturdays anymore. Sitting at home and watching House reruns suits me just fine.”
mature, veteran, seasoned, delusional
1. occurs when one or more parent has had enough. Typically, the kids are left at home while the parent goes to local businesses to shop for items to fill the void left by a loss of vitality. Spreetoxing is a generally self-defeating endeavor, and items purchased while doing so are usually dull, utilitarian, reasonably priced, and typically found on the sale rack.
“I went spreetoxing today and bought myself these sweet new New Balance trainers. Comfortable, affordable, and they’ve got great arch support.”
me time, retail therapy, a chance to breathe
1. an appellation designated to describe the Sunday routine of suburban parents. The Sunday sprint typically, but not always, consists of going to church, delivering children to soccer fields, slipping away from soccer fields to purchase Sunday roast, putting roast in oven to ensure it is ready by six, returning to soccer fields by halftime, feigning interest in children’s athletic prowess, making small talk with other parents, returning home to catch last quarter of hometown football team’s game which they will never win, and setting table for dinner.
“The last leg of my Sunday sprint was vicious. I barely got back to the field, and then Jim wouldn’t stop talking to me about his garden.”
1. term usually associated with new suburban residents who have just relocated from a major metropolitan area. A whyathlon is characterized by a series of challenging questions regarding a newly sedate lifestyle, usually, but not always, beginning with the word why. Why am I here? Why did I make this decision? Why did this happen? Why didn’t somebody warn me? Why is everyone here related? Not to be confused with the incessant questions a child may ask during a long car trip.
“Cheryl just finished up with a pretty intense whyathlon, and now it sounds like she’s in the bedroom crying.”
regret, sorrow, one more step in the painful slog toward old age
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